I was recently asked to try to read my entries as if I am a stranger just coming across them and to try to read them with the perspective of an outsider. I guess, read them from a third person perspective.
I found this difficult for many reasons.
Recently my son started applying for jobs and this particular son has some social issues and we will say quirks. I was talking this over with my husband and I made the comment that it was hard for me to have an unbiased opinion about how he handles himself because I know too much about him and his struggles, it gives me a different perspective. Someone that is interviewing him that knows nothing about him will have a very different perspective and opinion about his ‘quirks’.
This is similar to how I feel when approaching this task. I know too much about myself and the writing. It makes it very difficult if not impossible to seperate myself and my subsequent opinion.
I did try and this is what I took note of…
I feel that this person is sad and the writing is sad overall. There is not much happiness (I had not really noticed this before). I would feel badly for this person. I feel like they have struggled quite a bit.
Just a note, this is one of the most uncomfortable things I have had to do. I find it difficult to have compassion for myself. If I were truly reading this about a different person I would probably feel some compassion for them. I might think that this is a rather deep thinker with strong emotions. Maybe even too deep a thinker, that they may get in their own way. Life is hard and sometimes you need to just move on and not analyze and continuously think over everything.
I can’t control how others see me or how they portray me. Though I spend an infinite amount of time trying to. I want to say, “fuck it”!!! That is nearly impossible for me to do however. I have a really hard time accepting someone else’s misconception of me. It will literally keep me up at night. I truly just want to not care! I want to say, ” Oh well, that’s their problem” and then move on. Most “normal” people probably do. I will slowly, little by little change myself based on what others think of me. I have recently stepped back and looked at myself and I really don’t know who I am or what I am about. I have molded myself based on other people’s opinions. I am this fake person. I started out being me and then one person said, “that is stupid” or “no, don’t do that” or “that’s ugly” etc. and I was too afraid to be different and I just followed. I am a shell….
What am I? Who am I? ???
I am creative. I like to walk and listen to music. I like to read for long periods of time. I also like to binge watch movies for an entire day sometimes:) and I am ok with that. I like to paint (even though I am not very good at it), I like to go out and find old forgotten pieces of furniture and then find a way to make it beautiful again by either repurposing or refinishing it. I weigh more than I ever really have and I HATE it! I am afraid MOST of the time:( and I hate that too! I am anxious in crowds and while meeting new people. Traffic causes me to panic, which makes driving difficult in most cases. I really want to be “who and what I am” but I hate parts of “who and what I am” so I am not sure how to deal with that?!
Therapy for the soul is what I am hoping this will be. I need to try to get the things that are pent up within myself, out. So that I am able to look at them more clearly and hopefully, from a different perspective. I will hopefully be able to work through somethings in my life and move forward.