Love & Passion /Hope & Regrete

Love and passion…. for me I can’t imagine one without the other.  I think of myself as a fairly passionate person. Love for me comes along with much passion.  My love and passion can be for many things including my children, family, things I like to do, places I like to go or vacation and especially my husband.

From the first moment I saw my husband walking home from his bus stop I have felt a passion for him that made me feel weak. A few weeks later I met him at McDonalds where I was applying for a job (he was already working there). His blue eyes and blonde hair made me feel weak in the knees and every time he would talk to me I would get butterfly’s in my stomach and stumble over my words.

When he finally did call me to ask me out, I put him on hold and screamed out loud because I was SO excited. I would have done absolutely anything he wanted me to do because I was head over heals in love with him, and I did. We dated for about a year and a half. It was not a blissful time. I was terribly insecure and I spent my time trying to make him happy and make sure he stayed with me. Mean while we were both very stupid with birth control (or I should say lack there of) and very sexually active with one another.

I was 17 years old and I had been feeling very ill for quite some time so I made a doctors appointment, Matt ( my husband, then boyfriend) drove me there. The possibility of being pregnant honestly was not even a thought in my mind. It was now a reality!

Matt had enlisted in the Navy the year before and was set to go to boot camp upon graduation that June. We now planned to marry in August when he returned from boot camp. However, as he was entering at what they call the moment of truth, they discovered that he had an unwed dependent and he was discharged and sent to 9th division for several weeks. This experience changed him in a negative way for quite sometime and added to the difficulty of the first few years of our marriage.

The first few years….

Very very hard! Hard to live through and hard to even remember and talk about really.

In part because of what was done to me but in large part because of what I myself did. It is funny…you think that you could never do certain things but it never happens over night. In my case it was little by little, step by step, I made what I was doing ok because it felt good and I told myself that I had not felt good in a long time. It is lies like that, that get you into trouble, BIG trouble!

My husband didn’t really love me at the beginning and to be honest he didn’t like me much either. That was really hard for me. I was young and very insecure and loved him with all my heart and wanted nothing more than a fairy tale marriage( to which there is no such thing). I wanted to be wanted and desired.

We had a tiny little one bedroom apartment and Matt was a manager at McDonalds. I also worked there up until the very end of my pregnancy. I split my time between work and our apartment trying to set up a small area for our baby. Things were not great between the two of us. Matt never seemed to want to be home. He always wanted to be out with his friends and never wanted me to come along. He would come home late and sleep on the couch. At some point he started talking about a divorce. I told him that I would not give him one because I did not believe in divorce so he would have to live apart from me in order to be awarded one by the state. I remember that he would look away when I would get undressed because he said I looked like a bug with a huge body and little arms and legs. I had found out that he was having an affair with a girl at work but it didn’t really hit home until he came home one day and he got undressed to get a shower and I was trying to talk to him and I saw scratch marks all over his back.

I pushed him into the shower and just cried. He just reiterated that he just wanted a divorce and closed  the bathroom door.

Very alone.. Is how I felt!

The night of my baby shower my brothers found out that Matt was cheating on me and they all jumped in a truck and came after him. It was a big blow up and I ended up warning him so he could get away before he got beat up. With all of that commotion, our land lady felt that we would not be a “good fit” any more and asked us to leave.  Matt’s parents then said we could move in with them for a while if Matt agreed to work on the marriage and end the relationship with the girl from work. He agreed but between the two of us he told me he did not love me. We would have sex  at times but it was painfully obvious that there was no passion, I was just a means to an end.

During this time I began a secret affair with someone. This person made me feel wanted and desired. I had rarely ever in my life felt sexy and attractive and it was very hard to resist such a temptation. He also listened and seemed to understand me, so I had an emotional attraction as well, this was a bad combination. I was young and stupid and I will say again terribly insecure. This person was also quite a bit older than me, so I looked up to him.  I had much passion to give and I needed someone to give it to. (No one knew about this affair until at least 15 years later.)

Within a year or so of living at Matt’s parents house I got a very familiar ‘gut’ feeling  and found that he was trying to begin a relationship with another girl at work.

Something broke in me at that point. I feel like apart of me died that day. I became a very angry person for a long time after that. I almost feel like I was determined to make life pay.

I decided I wanted to leave him and I didn’t care about anything anymore. I grabbed ahold of the first guy that paid any attention to me( he was just a kid, I guess so was I really, he was just more so). I had an affair with him and when he asked me to run away with him I realized how crazy I was being and ended the relationship. But to show how very ridiculous this whole thing was, I remember going to my orthodontist (where  I had recently gotten my braces off) and the hygienist that had worked on me for the last 2 years or so started yelling at me and and calling me all sorts of names.  Apparently the ‘boy’ I had been seeing was her nephew and she wanted me to know that she knew I was married and she thought what I was doing was awful. I ran out without finishing my appointment and never went back. I deserved it, I was using this kid and it was not fair to him or her for that matter. I was hurting and handling it in all the wrong ways. I in turn was hurting all of them and my reputation.

Matt and I did end up staying together and continued to work on our marriage but things were very messy between the two of us for a long time. Matt actually came after me when I left him and begged me to come back. I remember that it was one of the first times I had ever felt like he really wanted me. He was actually chasing me rather than me chasing him!

All of these very bad decisions ultimately lead to me hurting many people, primarily my husband! I regret all that I did with all of my heart! I am not proud of any of it!

Where does this leave us, I am not sure.

We have now been married for 23 years. We have shared some really awful, terribly painful years but we have also shared many wonderful years.

In the last few years my husband has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It has definitely not made life any easier. He can be very unpredictable at times and I feel like I spend a lot of time crying and telling myself that he is not quite himself right now. The thing that is absolutely the most difficult is that his medications makes it so that he does not really have any desire for sex anymore and it is impossible to complete the act. For a passionate person such as myself this is rather devastating. I feel like a part of me has died once again.

I think part of what makes this so hard is that I am reminded of a lot of the same rejected feelings from the beginning of our marriage. I feel unwanted! I feel like there has been something severed between us. When we made love I felt such a connection like we were literally one. It was such an emotional thing between us. Now I just feel so empty. I just feel so lonely again. Being intimate now is empty and emotionless. He is awkward.

Passion, Love & Hope

I have channeled my passion into my husband for many years.  I love my husband and he loves me. Love takes many forms and I think that I am learning that I at times had an image of what I thought our love should look like and tried to create that, if that makes sense. I need to find out what our love really looks like. Passion can be much of the same, and I am in the process of finding out where my passions lye. And there is where I find hope.